What came from the 75 year Harvard study on Happiness
75 years! I know what a long time to conduct a study. That was in 2017 when the research was first published but it is now up to 85 years worth of data in 2023.
This has been the longest study in history and has had over 4 groups of researchers work on this from Harvard.
It started with just white male participants in Boston in the 1930’s but expanded to include females and various other ethnic groups over time. It followed adults for their entire lives from the age of teenagers and into adulthood. And they have now started studying the children from the participants of this study. This study tracked how life really unfolds, not how we remember them. As our memory isn’t always reliable- which is another topic of conversation as to why.
It was initially set up to look at harvard college undergraduate students who were seen to be “prime” examples and to look at how they would develop over time. There was also a trial going at the same time that was looking at boys from Bostons poorest and most troubled families and to see why some children from difficult background stayed out of trouble and on healthy developmental paths. So they studied men who didn’t get into trouble even though there were in environment not conducive to that.
Indicators of human happiness the number 1 factors was seen to be the quality of our relationships.
Another top finding was taking care of your health and our body.
Getting decent sleep
Regular exercise
Access to medical care
Eating well
Not abusing alcohol and drugs.
A participants was quoted as saying:
“ Take care of your body as though you are going to need it for 100 years”
The people who lived the longest had the best and warmest connections with other human beings. It has a major link with stress. As relationships help us manage stress and powerful negative feelings. We can’t prevent bad things from happening, but this research found that having someone you can talk to about this and debrief your day (either in person or on the phone who is a good listener) helped people monitor and regulate stress. If you have conflicting relationships/abuse/ constant unhappy arguing and diffciltuies never resolve take a toll. It keeps us in flight or flight reins (ie stress). Which is meant to be a temporary response. But if we have relationships that keep us in this state we keep these process going that we don’t want constantly triggered.
My Anxiety ebook explores this in more detail which you can purchase from this site.
Different types of wellbeing were explored:
Hedonic wellbeing - what we think of as having a good meal, enjoying a good party, having a good conversation.
Eudemonic wellbeing- We want a sense of purpose a sense of meaning. Feeling you are doing meaningful activities. . Eg. you have a small child that wants a book read for the 8th time and you are tired. You don’t want to but you do because it has meaning to you. You care deeply about what you are doing even if it is difficult
Psychologically rich life- going to new places, having interesting experiences and doing things we have never done before.
We want a mix of these 3 areas but people often have a predisposition to one area more than another.
When we invest in things outside of ourselves we feel happier for longer. This comes traditionally from religion. We want a sense that life is worth living.
They asked people in the study who are now 80+ years old- what is one thing they look back on their life what do they regret the most. The most common response
“I wish I hadn’t spent so much time wondering about what other people thought. “
To check in on this this is where reflective practice helps to check in with yourself. Either with meditation, journalling etc. what makes us feel alive and what depletes us. What can we do to turn towards the thinks that being us energy and turn away from the things that drain us. Making sure to distinguish between things not serving us and not actuarial work. Its about checking in with ourselves and how we are actually feeling. We have to learn to checkin and ask ourselves questions to really gt to know how we are feeling at the moment.
What are the things we need to reward in one another to create positive relationships?
We should reward people taking risks with us- ie telling us how they really feel. ‘ I was upset when you said that” and to not get defensive when you get such feedback. To thank someone for being willing to say that. Our relationships deepen we trust each other and realise that you won’t criticise but be curious and welcoming abut something difficult.And rewarding each other for doing new things and taking risks.
When we are triggered often it is because we don’t allow ourselves to do that thing. When you don’t support people in their choices it distances you or feel not understood. It shows something internally we need to look at rather than the other person.
Love = safety and understanding
When you are doing something ordinary such as washing the dishes- ask yourself
‘What is here now that I have never noticed before? “
And this goes for relationships we think we know so well such as a partner or friend and share that with them. How tuned in we are with someone we we first meet them versus when we have been with someone for years as we think we know them. We have curiosity about them in th beginning. But we need to keep that interest and curiosity. There is always something we can learn about someone even if we think we know someone rally well. And unlearning misconceptions as well from the past.
We find it challenging to have people we love change and ourselves change. So how do we allow yourselves and others to change?
Our suffering happens when we try to freeze things and force things to stay as they are. Our core values stay the same but we express the differently.
We often think “ they are perfect the way they are right now” and then over time you realise how imperfect they are ( and how imperfect you are) or how they change over time. Yet we expect people to stay as the image we give them initially. it takes some effort to pay attention to the changes as they happen over time.
A lot of our values and beliefs come from our families, which were meant to be a source of safety and refuge. But is often people don’t feel that way they feel they are “ toxic” or “negative”. The first step is to reflect on the positives and what you can preserve. Sometimes you need to walk away from your family. But first see what can you invest in, what can be appreciated if it is there. As family often cares about you the most. A lot of the difficulties come when they don’t allow you to grow or change over time. If we don’t go down the abuse or severe dysfunctional path of course.
As part of the reflection towards happiness:
What are the 2-3 values you couldn’t live your life without?
Then write down how you demonstrate this in your weekly life
Who are you close to and would like to be close to or mend your relationships with?
What are some of the biggest challenges/transitions you had to make so far in your life and what strengths did you bring to manage those transitions ?
And what do you see coming ahead for you in life and how can you use those strength you already have?
“A sad soul can kill you far quicker than a germ “
Being in a chronically stressful relationship can cause breakdowns physically in the body. So how do we discern when to step away and when it can be worked on? There are conflicts in any relationships with any depth and many can be worked out. And working them out can be a source of growth and can often strength the relationship so it’s important to try and work them out where you can. But it takes discernment to determine when it can’t be worked out and you need to leave.
We are often raised to avoid difficult conversations. It’s important to ask yourself is this my idea or someone else’s? Before starting an argument or difficult conversation. To pause and take a long view what do I want with this person in the long term? Do I care if they are around in 6mth, 3years? As you will adjust your response depending on what you want out of that relationship depending on its duration. To try and have no loser and no winner- as that causes disconnection. You won the argument so what? The other person will feel shitty and you still have caused disconnection with them. If you suppress the problem and don’t talk about it you become resentful. Which is not a great alternative either. You want both of you to win in the conversation to preserve the relationship. Take the time to pause before reacting or responding and think what is the most skilful way I can deal with this? Sleep on it and talk when the iron is cool not hot. What feels right right now might not feel right then.
Feedback should be given in 3 key areas to help each other grow:
Make someone aware of your standards ie I want a relationship where we are both happy and grow - do we both want this together?
Reminding the person you trust and believe they can rise to that standard ie. I know we can do this together.
What are we both willing to do to get there ie. Putting things in place to meet the standard and agree.
Social fitness and keeping our relationships in shape?
Many people felt in the study they weren’t spending enough time with those that meant something to them ie. actively keep in touch
We all need to feel we have some sort of social safety net.
Everyone needs to feel securely attached to other humans even if it’s just one person.
So if you haven’t already it might be time to reflect on the relationships in your life and how you can foster the ones you want and need. And remember no-one on the planet is happy all the time, life is filled with joys and sorrows, ups and down. You are not having a bad life if there is a mixture of boring days and extraordinary ones. Become the surfer and ride the waves knowing it will come up again rather than trying to fight it putting yourself in a position where you are drowning.